Sunday, May 27, 2007

these are the people in my neighbourhood...

toccata posted a story about her neighbourhood and asked for our stories.

here is my all time favourite neighbourhood story. it even tops the time when i was a kid and our next door neighbour was having an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter. in the family trailer. which was parked in his family driveway.

this story is way better in person, because i get to do all kinds of voices and action moves.

this happened about a year ago. it was around 10.50 pm. i was in my computer room, watching season one of 24. i was watching the last five minutes of episode 23. for those that know 24, the last five minutes are always super tense. especially when it's the second to last episode of the season. i'm on edge, all tense and then i hear ... my screen door opening. and a bang on the front door. now, i live in an area where there aren't a lot of people walking around at almost 11 pm at night. even the dogs are asleep in my hood. and my brother left for work over an hour ago. and he works five minutes away. so even if he did have to come back for something. he would have already done so.

'goober' has already rushed to the door and is barking. i get up and go to the front door. next to the door, there is one of those frosted glass windows. so you can't really see anything in great detail. i look out it anyways and what i see is this huge man outside my door. i repeat, huge man. i do my best gruff voice.. "yah?" and this guy starts asking for someone. but i can't understand him. i keep asking him to repeat it but i still can't understand. and now i'm frustrated and forget that i'm trying to be tough and just shout out 'i have no idea what you want!" huge man yells out ' just open the fucking door!' and then proceeds to start kicking my door and shaking the door handle.

all time stops. i'm like.. what do i do? oh yah, call 9-11. crap, where's the phone? meanwhile, big scary huge man is still yelling ' open the fucking door!" and kicking the door. and rattling the doorknob. i finally find the phone, call 9-11 and i swear the woman said fire or ambulance. no police option. i reply, some guy is trying to break down my door and she says, oh police. and transfers me over.

now, i'm standing behind my door because apparently this is the only place i feel safe. at the time of this incident, we had no peep hole and no yale lock. just a little ole door knob lock. the woman on the phone is asking me all kinds of questions like... could it be your brother on the other side? um, no because if my brother yelled at me to open the fucking door, he knows that i would just leave thru the back door and let him fend for himself. could it be one of his friends? i doubt it, but i suppose anything is possible. can you describe him? i say he's big, and then he yells out, yah, i'm fucking big, open the fucking door. at this point, 'goober' just lays down and does nothing. um, thanks buddy. now, the lady on the phone is questioning why my dog is not barking. i don't know. do you want to speak to him yourself? she keeps going on...are you sure you don't know him? umm, yah, pretty sure. look lady, i know you are just doing your job, but i'm freakin' out here ok? she keeps asking what's that noise? um, that's the freak at my door trying to get in!

and then i hear some other guy come to my front door and say something. big scary man says you're fuckin' kiddin' me. and then i hear both of them leave. soon afterwards, the police finally show up. i got two squad cars and four officers. one of them knocks on the door and i open it. i tell him what happened. he tells me they've walked around my entire house and the area is clear. they ask about the truck in my neighbour's driveway. is it theirs? i don't know, they just moved here.

and then a thought that had passed thru my mind earlier, finally formulates in my mind. i suppose the guy could have looking for my new neighbours. the police tell me to go back into my house for now. eventually, they come back with the huge man. the man is in his early twenties and weighs around 300 lbs. he looks like a fuckin' footballer. he says, sorry, i went to the wrong fuckin' house. the cop says, hey, you've sworn enough for the evening. he hangs his head and says, sorry, i went to the wrong house.

the cop starts to berate him. next time, know where you are going. the numbers are on this house, there are huge and you gave this girl a fright. if you were at the door when i got here, i would have cold cocked you.

big scary man hangs head lower, and keeps muttering sorry. i thank him for coming over but tell him that's all i have to say to him right now.

i go back inside and pour myself some jack daniels.

the next day, my brother installed a yale lock and a peephole.


Toccata said...

First off, ew ick to the guy having an affair with the young girl in his trailer no less! How freaking stupid!!

Secondly, I would have been out the back door so fast. Either that or I'd be wimpering away in a corner somewhere. 911 operators sometimes ask what seem like the dumbest of questions in an emergency. The only time I called 911 was after a fight outside the bus stop that's right outside my house. There was a massive fight and a man was left sprawled out on the lawn not moving while the others just stood there and gawked. The operator wanted me to go outside and see if he was ok. I thought are you kidding me? Not a chance. They might beat me up! Finally the police came and then the ambulance and the man was carted off and I have no idea whatever happened to him.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

my backyard is way too scary in the dark to go out that way!

9-11 operators have to keep you on the phone, that's part of their job, but they could ask better questions. the one i dealt with this crisis, had total attitude as well.

mellowlee said...

Yikes!!!! Scary as that story was, the part about Goober not doing anything made me smile. Do the same neighbors still live there?

you are amazing said...

Love your blog!

what do you think of this link?


whitenoise said...

Great story. ;-)

Allison said...

Yikes! I'm glad it eventually got sorted though. What's a yale lock? Whatever it is, glad you're now safe from your 300 pd neighbour.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Note to self: double check house address before beginning home invasion.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

normally i would delete the spam, but i am amazing so i will keep it up.

whitenoise - thanks

allison - a yale lock is like a deadbolt lock.

he was my neighbour's buddy. my neighbour was soo embarrassed by the whole thing.

barbara - really. and perhaps when you hear someone calling 911, you should leave. :)

Toccata said...

I see you got an amazing message too. These spammers are getting more clever with their tricky ways.

anandamide said...

it would suck being a 9-11 dispatch and having to think of questions when really the situation is pretty straightforward. i thought of some questions to help them out in a pinch:

"what three albums would you take to a desert island?"
"if God loves us, why does he let us suffer?"
"why does the Flintstones theme talk about keeping the cat out for the night when the cat isn't in any of the episodes?"

Miss A said...

Neighbours...forced to live with them, can't shoot them. Damn!

Evelyne said...

That's scary. Goober might have been really scared to be doing nothing! I wish that something like that will never happen to me!

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

toccata - yeah, that amazing comment is sure making the rounds lately.

anandamide - welcome. good questions.

miss a - at least the actual neighbours were good looking! tee hee.

evelyne - i like to think that he was just resting and if big scary man had broken the door down, he would have jumped him. that's my story anyways. :)