Saturday, June 16, 2007

panic in the streets of london...

ok, sometime later i will share stories about the people in the last post. but not right now. i feel the need to talk about something else. so i am going to start to blog about my trip.

so, as some of you may or may not know, i have been planning to go to toronto for a few months now. i've been to toronto many times, and love it. the city invigorates me. it reminds me a lot of london and one of my best buddies lives out there (more later on that). i was going out at least once a year. however, i have not been out to toronto for a few years now. this has less to do about money and more to do with something that happened the last time i was there.

the entire time i was in toronto, i suffered from massive panic attacks. one day i walked 8 hours straight because i couldn't stop moving. another time, i grilled my friend endlessly on his personal life (which is so something i do not do). and is so something he was not impressed with. at night, i would just lie in my bed shaking. but the worse one was the night we went to see this play "love and human remains". i won't go into details, i don't like to spoil anything but the part before intermission was really intense and it ends with a bam! (not literally) and i almost ran out of the theatre. it took ever ounce of my willpower not leave the theatre and come back for the second half. and then i was trying to hide during intermission but my friends found me and i had to make conversation and i felt like saying "i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, could you please leave me alone." but if they had, i don't think i would have felt any better.

i bring this up mainly to try and give you a picture of my mind as i'm attempting to book my trip. the other issue i'm having is that this weekend is the weekend that my friend "l" is also in toronto. now, this could be fun, but the problem is that "l" knows how to push all my buttons. and not in a good way. and one of the things that does push my buttons is that sometimes i get the feeling that she always has to one up me. now, i don't really talk about my panic attacks. i've suffered them for awhile, sometimes they are bad, sometimes not. i don't really discuss them very much. but she always goes on and on about hers. and i don't remember her having any until i happened to mention that i had them in conjunction with my claustrophobia. i just find the whole thing bizarre.

i finally decide to bite the bullet and buy my ticket. is it a wise thing? well, we shall see.

7 comments:

whitenoise said...

I sympathize, knowing other people who experience such attacks frequently. I, myself, have trouble with crowds, and usually avoid busy places.

I don't mean to put my nose in your business, but what you describe here is pretty severe. Maybe you should talk to a professional about it? Why suffer when somebody with the proper skills could help you get back to your happy place? ;-)

whitenoise said...

Oh, and thanks for the Smiths' ref. Now that song'll be in my head all morning.... ;-)

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

hey, no worries about putting your nose in. if i suffered like this all the time, i would definitely see someone. i was dealing with a bunch of crap in my life at that point. i can't remember the last time i had an attack.

and you are welcome. :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

That must have been pretty awful for you. I have a family member with social anxiety disorder who has occasional panic attacks. It's terrible and frightening for everybody, and makes me feel so inadequate to help.

Please feel free to drop me an email if you want to know coping strategies we use.

Allison said...

I can sympathize, I know that must have been awful. I have a mild form of social anxiety and when it strikes it strikes. Crowds are the worst for me. I hope things are a little cooler for you now.

Evelyne said...

That might have been pretty hard. And that play sounds likes one where I wouldn't go, panic attacks or not.

Dale said...

I'm glad you bought your ticket too. Sounds like you've had a rough go for a while there. It's so much more common than you realize with the panic attacks.